


Viewing Death Or Succumbing To It

by whereyoustand



Series: Ashton Irwin Is Sad :( [2]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Ashton Irwin-centric, Gen, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2020-01-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:01:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22189837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whereyoustand/pseuds/whereyoustand
Summary: Ashton couldn't sleep that night, his chest ached with pain as he thought about his future and life. He tossed and turned in bed, sighing as he stared up at the ceiling. Judgement and doubt clouded his thoughts. He couldn't breathe, what was the point of living.ORAshton decides he wants to take his own life.
Relationships: Michael Clifford & Luke Hemmings & Calum Hood & Ashton Irwin
Series: Ashton Irwin Is Sad :( [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1590661
Comments: 2
Kudos: 48





	Viewing Death Or Succumbing To It

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING IN TAGS!!!!!
> 
> No specific ships, you can decide whether it's romantic :)

**@username** \- _did anyone notice how much Ashton missed his cue in the last show??? usually, he'd laugh it off but he didn't do anything and continued playing?_

**@5snot** \- _ikr it was odd. he didn't even talk much :/_

Ashton's hand shook as he read the tweets, they know. Ashton realised he had to start acting normal again. He threw on a fake smile and left the building which was swarmed by fans and paparazzi. He waved at them and started to make his way to the car. He said hello to a few fans on the way and answered some questions, refusing himself to get annoyed at the personal questions.

Ashton couldn't sleep that night, his chest ached with pain as he thought about his future and life. He tossed and turned in bed, sighing as he stared up at the ceiling. Judgement and doubt clouded his thoughts. He couldn't breathe, what was the point of living.

Ashton woke up in the morning and realised the bus had stopped at the venue. He rolled over and opened his phone and sighed. It was only 5 am which meant he got about an hour of sleep. Ashton rolled out of his bunk, wrote out a note telling the others on the bus that he was out to explore the city. He changed into some clothes and left the van without a second thought.

He wandered about the city he knows he'll forget in a few months so he doesn't try to take anything in. Ashton walked around and found a small park and sat on a bench and watched early dog walkers and the ducks in the pond. He felt lost. Nothing felt right, and Ashton didn't know what to do.

He pulled out his phone and found he had sat staring at the pond for an hour and a half and hadn't been back yet. He had a few missed calls from Luke and a few texts fro

the other guys. He sighed and stood up and made his way back, thankful for remembering the way.

He took a deep breath and stepped on the bus.

"Good morning, Ash. You had breakfast?" Calum asked, causing the other guys to turn and look at him.

Ashton nodded and lied thinly, "Yeah, found a nice little place."

"Should've woken us," Luke suggested.

"Didn't think about it, mate. Sorry." Ashton shrugged and moved to the bathroom to brush his teeth.

Ashton stood in the dressing room, taking a deep breath and sighing. He counted himself through his breaths.

"Ready?" Michael beamed at his bandmate, holding a shot out to him. The bandmates got into a circle and put their shot glasses together before necking them. Ashton noticed their friend filming them and he faked a smile at the camera. He joked about a bit, trying to act normal. He was glad that his bandmates didn't notice. He would have a breakdown if they did. He hated feeling like this but he couldn't do anything, he'd fuck up the tour.

* * *

Then they were on stage and everything went to shit.

They were playing Teeth when Ashton first missed a few beats and struggled to catch up with his bandmates. Michael had turned to look back at Ashton who simply ignored him and tried to find the best again.

The fans didn't seem to notice and those who did played it off and continued to sing along. Ashton sighed as he continued to drum.

When the song finished, Luke talked to the crowd and Ashton took a shaky hand and sipped his water.

Ashton looked at Michael's mouth on the monitor and made out the words She Looks So Perfect. Ashton nodded, wiping his sweaty forehead and picked up his drum sticks

He could do this. He started playing the opening beat as Luke started to sing. Ashton continued to drum as much of the beat as he could remember as sweat dripped down his forehead.

He got to the last chorus when he felt his hands shake tremendously and his vision started dotting. He dropped his drumsticks and got out from the drums and ran backstage passed the stage crew questioning him.

Ashton continued to run backstage, weaving through the stage crew and the objects that blocked his path. He reached the dressing room door and pushed it open, closing and locking the door behind him and collapsed to the floor.

"Shit, shit, shit!" He yelled out as he heard knocking on the door. "Give me a moment!"

"Ash, man, it's me." He heard Calum's voice come through. "Is everything alright?"

"Yep, sorry I just threw up. Locked the door, didn't want anyone to see!" Ashton explained, walking to the on-suite bathroom to flush the toilet, to sell the act. "I'll be okay to go on now, don't worry."

"No man, we're not performing if you're sick," Calum explained. "Is it a colour?"

Ashton quietened for a second, debating whether to lie or not. He knew if he didn't the tour would be on hold until further notice and if he did he wouldn't get better as soon.

"No colour." Ashton lied. "I just ate something bad at the breakfast place."

"Okay, man. We'll cancel the show at letting you recover." Ashton groaned at Calum.

He heard Calum walk away and he sighed. He was so tired. He wanted to die.

Ashton grabbed a hat and Luke's sunglasses, throwing on a hoodie. He opened the door and quickly ran out of the building to the closest convenience store. He made it and searched the isles before seeing what he needed. Disposable razor blades. Ashton knew he had to cover himself up so he grabbed himself a few other bits like chewing gum, snacks for the boys, and a few bottles of fizzy drink.

He took his stuff to the counter and looked anxiously as the bored teenager scanned it. He avoided eye contact as he paid, staring at the posters behind the teen as he bagged the items.

He smiled and made his way out of the shop. He sighed, relief flooding his veins as he made his way back to the venue.

He quickly boarded the bus and threw the blades into his bag and took the other bits to the boys who were in the dressing room.

"Jesus Christ!" Michael yelled out. "Let security know we have him."

Their manager simply nodded and told a crew member.  
  
"Where were you?" Michael asked, anger seeping through. "We were so worried."

"I wanted to get you guys some apology snacks because I ruined the show! I forgot to text and I take full responsibility for that!" Ashton pulled out the food for the other men.

"I'm glad you're okay," Michael said. "And you got me gummy bears, thanks, dude."

Ashton smiled at his friend and took out a piece of gum. He was going to miss them.  
  


* * *

Ashton knew what he had to do. He reached into his bag and pulled out one of the razorblades and took a deep breath. He needed to do this.

Ashton was glad the band was back home for a week before they went to Europe. Ashton sighed and stood up, seeing himself in the reflection of his mirror.

"I look disgusting." He muttered to himself in the mirror. He sighed and moved towards his bathroom. He took his phone and played his soft songs and started to run a bath. He sighed as he sat on the edge of the bath. He put his phone on silent as a text from the band group chat.

'Ash you nearly here????' Luke texted.

Ashton looked up from his phone and took off his pyjamas. He sighed and lowered himself into the tub. He sighed sadly. He opened his phone. He felt like he should at least send a goodbye, it would be unfair on them.

He texted his mum first, a simple 'I will always love you'. And for the band group chat, he texted a small 'I'm sorry to cause so much disruption to the tour, you are my brothers, I love you all'.

He closed his phone, placing it on the sink beside his bath. He grabbed the blade and examined it slightly. He closed his eyes and slowly dug the blade into his wrist. He bit his lip as tears came out of his eyes.

He lent back into the bath and sat there watching his wrist bleed out into the water. He rolled over in the bath, his bleeding wrist over the edge as he laid his head on it.

He closed his eyes as he cried lightly and that's the last he remembered before he woke up on a blue and white bed.

* * *

**[Fox News]**

_'Drummer and vocalist from the Australian band 5 Seconds Of Summer, Ashton Irwin has been hospitalised due to an apparent suicide attempt. Irwin was found by emergency services after a report came through. No news has come from the band on the conditions on their bandmate.'_  
  
[Several tweets from fans.]

**@username** \- _I am in tears #prayforashton_

**@JetBlackHair** \- _I'm heartbroken but I can't imagine how the boys are feeling :'( #prayforashton_

**@tryharder** \- _for all you reading this tag wondering who Ashton is, he is from the band 5 seconds of summer who you may have heard off. Ashton attempted suicide and is in hospital. no one is sure on his condition._

**@lmaoash** \- _I wonder what will happen to the Europe tour :/_

* * *

Ashton hated everything when he woke up. The bright light, the pain in his wrist, the tubes going into his arm, the loud mumbling beside him. Everything was so much.

"Ash, my baby, are you awake?" He heard his mum's voice.

"Mum?" He asked, voice wavering slightly in his croaky voice.

"I'm glad you failed," His mum muttered in his ear as she embraced him.

Ashton let out a sob. "I wasn't supposed to fail."

"God didn't want you to. You're okay. I'm here. I love you." His mum whispered as she kissed his head. She wiped his hair back and cried softly. "I'm going to get a doctor."

His mum left the room and Ashton stared at his wrists. They were wrapped from the bottom of his palm to the bottom of his elbow. Ashton pulled at the bandage in an attempt to see his wrist. He managed to unwrap it and he stared at his stitches. Ashton let out a strangled sob as he stared at his wrist. He had failed.

Ashton's mum and a doctor walked in.

"Let's quickly rebandage that and we'll chat." The man smiled and grabbed fresh bandage on the side to wrap Ashton's arm.

The doctor regained his posture and stood at the end of Ashton's bed, taking off the gloves and washing his hands in disinfectant.

"Hello, Ashton. I'm Doctor Montgomery. Are you feeling uncomfortable at all or may I ask you some questions?" The doctor smiled. Ashton shook his head. "Okay, we'll do basic things first. Can you tell me your name and birthday?"

"My name is Ashton Fletcher Irwin and I was born on the seventh of July, in 1994," Ashton answered.

"Good, I would like to ask more personal questions about your situation, would you like anyone with you?" Doctor Montgomery asked.

Ashton looked at his mum. "Mum, can you give us a minute?"

Ashton's mum smiled tightly and left. "I'll call the boys round if you want." She leaned down to kiss his forehead and passed him a small stuffed bear. "I brought him to give you strength."

Ashton smiled at his childhood teddy bear. Ashton's mum left the room as Doctor Montgomery started.

"So, what's the last thing you remember?"

"I remember falling asleep in the bath after cutting my wrists."

"Okay, so it is self-inflicted?" Ashton nodded.

"So, we will have to keep you here for a high-risk watch for forty-eight hours," Montgomery explained. "I know this may be inconvenient but it is for your safety. I imagine you have questions."

Ashton nodded, rubbing at his bandage slightly as said, "How long have I been out for?"

"A day, but you have been drifting in and out of consciousness for the past hour," Montgomery explained.

"Who found me?" Ashton asked quietly, voice childlike in fear of who could've seen him.

Was it his mum? Someone who had already seen enough torture in her life and had to see her son give up so easily?

Or was it one of the guys? Luke and his innocent soul, walking into a traumatic scene that he would never recover from?

Or Michael, who had been the one to encourage Ashton to get help and see that all his efforts had been wasted?

Maybe it was Calum. Was it him who had to walk into the scene and try and remember all the first aid practise he had taken even though Ashton had assured him it wouldn't be needed.

Montgomery interrupted Ashton's train of thoughts by saying, "Emergency services came by with a group of your friends who had the key to your home. I can give you names if you need?"

Ashton nodded. "Please."

"It was Calum Hood, Michael Clifford, and a Luke Hemmings. Do those names ring a bell?"

Ashton nodded.

"Okay, well, I'll let your visitors come in and you can talk with them. If it gets too much, press the red button there." Montgomery pointed at a little remote by Ashton's bedside table.

Ashton nodded and awkwardly shuffled as Montgomery walked out the room to allow whatever guests Ashton had.

Ashton brought his knees to his chest and sighed as his band members and his mum walked in.

"Lauren and Harry are at the hotel and wanted to wait for you to wake up. I wanted to wait until you felt better to see them," His mum explained. "I'll go get you some water and food."

Ashton nodded, looking out the window, avoiding eye contact.

"Ash, we're so sorry we didn't see the signs sooner." Michael stepped forward into Ashton's viewpoint but Ashton still refused to meet eyes with him.

"How can any of you even look at me?" He whispered.

"We love you, mate," Calum stated firmly. "I know it may not feel like it to you but we're here for you now. We're never leaving you to feel like this again."

Ashton stayed quiet until he asked, "What happened?"

"Well, you sent us a text, remember?" Michael explained. "And we were all out for lunch at the time - at that place near yours - so we all got the text at the same time. We immediately got up and started getting to your place. Your mum called Luke at the same time, saying she got message come through and you weren't replying to her calls. We panicked and called an ambulance that we thought something happened to you. We managed to get to your place before the ambulance and found your key as they arrived. We unlocked the door and they went in."

Michael took a deep breath before continuing, "We could hear them yelling whilst one of them ran back outside to get a stretcher. We went upstairs as they checked you over and we saw the bath was overflowing and it was pink like you had put a fucking bath bomb in or something." Michael let out a sarcastic laugh as he wiped his tears. "Fuck man. You looked so peaceful and yet you were about to die. It was so scary."

"I'm sorry," Ashton whispered. "You weren't supposed to come. I didn't mean-"

"You didn't mean to what Ash?" Luke suddenly burst out. "You didn't mean to try and kill yourself? That's it? Why didn't you tell us? We tried to connect with you and you blocked us out! There was so much blood, man."

"I did mean to kill myself! It's not my fault I failed, is it! And I couldn't tell you! Do you realised how it would've affected the tour and the band?" Ashton exclaimed back, throwing a cold look at Like.

"You come before anything else, Ash! You are more important than the fucking tour, man! We love you."

Ashton whimpered and cried into his arms, breaths hurrying out. He couldn't breathe. He shakily sobbed as he felt a hand touch his shoulder

"Ash, you okay man?" Calum asked. He knelt in front of him and squeezed his hand. "Breath with me man, you can do it."

Ashton felt his throat tighten at the request. Ashton shook his head.

Calum whispered, "I'm here. In for four."

Ashton took a harsh breath and he felt his lungs burn as he took a deep breath. His vision was hazy and tears clouded his eyes.

"Good job." Calum smiled. "Hold it. Okay, now out for six."

Ashton did as he was told but nothing felt right. His lungs were like a forest fire, burning his insides out, nothing was coming out.

"Help." He muttered simply. Calum nodded and continued to guide Ashton through his panic attack.

* * *

Once Ashton had calmed down, he turned to Luke

"I'm sorry, okay?" Ashton whispered, voice rough from the previous minutes.

"No, I'm sorry. I'm worried and scared but that is no reason for me to snap." Luke said, sincerely.

"Where do you want to go from here, Ash?" Michael asked. Ashton tried to rally his thoughts.

"I want to make sure the fans know I'm alive. Tell them I'm leaving the band so you can continue the tour."

"What?" The other men yelled out.

"Even if you were leaving, there's no way we leave to tour without you," Michael explained.

Ashton simply nodded, too tired to talk.

"If you need to sleep mate, it's fine. We're here. I promise." Calum whispered as Ashton's mum walked back in.

"Here's some water and muffins." She settled them down on the side table. She then ran a hand through his hair. "My beautiful boy." Ashton leaned into her touch as her hand rested on his cheek. "I love you so much."

"Love you too, ma," Ashton muttered as he settled onto the pillow.

He hated being weak. And now, he was stuck in some hospital bed because he was such a failure. He hated everything about life and God, he wished he ended it properly.

"Hey, Ash?" Michael smiled. "We're here now. You don't have to leave the band. You don't have to leave us. We're here for your support. You tell us whatever's on your mind, okay?"

Ashton thought for a second. "I still want to die."

Michael nodded as Ashton's mum let out a sob. 

"That's okay, you let us know every time you feel like that yeah? And we'll talk you through it. No one is here to put you down." Michael explained.

"Yeah," Calum added. "We can talk about what's going on or about something else to distract you? Remember when we did the video for Try Hard and we had to ride that fucking rollercoaster, like, ten times?"

"You almost threw up!" Ashton giggled. 

"Fuck yeah I did. And Luke kept saying all our takes were shit because I looked like shit!" Calum laughed.

Calum, Luke, and Michael will never forget the trauma they had to witness their friend go through, but they would remember to think of the positive to block out the negative thoughts. Ashton still felt like he was at a mountain, but with his friends by his side, he could start to climb up a ladder they would make for him.


End file.
